Sunday, February 22, 2009
Is it awful that I couldn't wait for my husband and son to go out today? I just wanted some quiet time with my thoughts. I wanted to lay down without feeling guilty and watch a sad movie. I feel like I am pushing away the ones I love instead of drawing them near. My husband and son are so amazing and yet I just wanted to be alone today.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I recently sent my fifth angel to heaven. This time I was 8 weeks along. Each time I lose another part of myself. I fall in love with my babies instantly and even though I am cautious how can I not hope and dream? This loss was a tough one as I almost lost my own life in the process. Now I scared to go on and try again. Questions of why always pop into my head? Am I an awful mother to my precious son and this is God's way of telling me that? Did I do something horrible to deserve this? I know deep down that I didn't do anything to deserve this but the thoughts pop up anyway. I do believe in Heaven and in God and I do hold on to the belief that one day I will meet my beautiful babies. I wonder if I will know them instantly. I wonder if they will know me. I loved each one for the short time they were with me and continue to love and think about them daily. Were they boys or girls? I will not know while I am on this earth. I once read somewhere that the baby's souls were too good for our earth and that is why God took them. I hold on to that for that has stayed with me and made my days easier. I wish more people were aware of the pain women go through during a miscarriage. I wish people would know not to be so insensitive. I often get asked if we are going to have any more children and I feel like screaming. . . screaming I do have more but you just can not see them. Others who know say at least you have one. yes I know I have one and I am so grateful for that but that doesn't mean I didn't have hopes of more. How about the people that say at least you know you can get pregnant? I know people are trying to be supportive but they don't know that these comments hurt just as much. I don't fault anyone b/c I know the situation is tough. At least they care to say something and not ignore the situation. That is the worst.