Thursday, August 27, 2009

Living Your Life

How many times have you thought about doing something only to find a million reasons why now might not be the perfect time? I am famous for that. If you really think about it - when is the perfect time? There is always excuse to put things off. It could be the vacation you are dreaming of, the pair of shoes you fell in love with, changing a career, or deciding to have a baby. What all this sadness and loss has taught me is that you can no longer put off your dreams for the perfect time. The perfect time will never come. Go on that vacation you dreamed of, buy your dream house, start your family. Life is short and at times full of sadness you need to make your own happiness and live it to the fullest. You owe yourself and those who love you that much.

Monday, August 10, 2009

And so it ends. My hopes of a big family. My hopes that my son will not be an only. Only a few weeks ago did I dare to hope when that test became positive. This time it was going to be different. This time I felt different. I was pregnant and I felt it with every ounce of my being. My right tube was gone so that wasn't going to be an issue. Then the fear set it. Oh how I hate going to the bathroom when I am pregnant. Each time sends me into a panic attack. Please no spotting this time please and then there it was. Fear, anger sadness and yet I hoped. Blood drawn every day. Numbers going up but isn't that always the case in my world? Then one morning lots of blood and tears and anger. We go in for a sonogram and it shows that there is something in the uterus and they rule out another ectopic but they can't rule out another miscarriage yet. My husband and I dare to hope and dare to be happy that it isn't an ectopic. Go back the next day another sonogram and what am I hearing they found something in my left tube? How? It wasn't there yesterday? What is in my uterus? they don't know - possibly a fetus possibly a blood clot. Hysteria sets in and I have to decide. Torture myself with another shot or have another surgery and risk losing my the only tube I have left. Surgery would give me a chance to find out if I have a viable fetus in my uterus. I go with the surgery. I can't kill the slight chance that there is someone growing inside of me. My left tube is now gone as well. Today the news came back that my beta dropped and there is no viable pregnancy in my uterus. Today all my hope is gone. I no longer conceive on my own. My heart is being ripped apart. I sit in the garden I created for my angels and mourn my newest angel. I long to hold him or her and hear their cry. I only hear myself for I have now sent my 6Th angel to heaven.

This song by watermark sums it all up. The name of the song is "Glory Baby" and it was written by a couple who suffered a miscarriage.
"I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like
But I'll rest in knowing that Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know"