Haven't written in a while. Not sure I have the words. I have my days where things seem better but never a day goes by where I am not thinking about my angels. This is a hard month for me. A couple of my angels would have been due at the end of this month. As I look around it seems like everyone around me is having babies. I am so happy for them but there is also a sadness I feel for myself. A sadness knowing I won't hold another baby that I can call mine. I am not sure I am still ok with that decision (crazy isn't it). My husband is so certain that this is what he wants. I understand his point. We are blessed with our son and it would be too dangerous to try again.

Living Your Life

How many times have you thought about doing something only to find a million reasons why now might not be the perfect time? I am famous for that. If you really think about it - when is the perfect time? There is always excuse to put things off. It could be the vacation you are dreaming of, the pair of shoes you fell in love with, changing a career, or deciding to have a baby. What all this sadness and loss has taught me is that you can no longer put off your dreams for the perfect time. The perfect time will never come. Go on that vacation you dreamed of, buy your dream house, start your family. Life is short and at times full of sadness you need to make your own happiness and live it to the fullest. You owe yourself and those who love you that much.

And so it ends. My hopes of a big family. My hopes that my son will not be an only. Only a few weeks ago did I dare to hope when that test became positive. This time it was going to be different. This time I felt different. I was pregnant and I felt it with every ounce of my being. My right tube was gone so that wasn't going to be an issue. Then the fear set it. Oh how I hate going to the bathroom when I am pregnant. Each time sends me into a panic attack. Please no spotting this time please and then there it was. Fear, anger sadness and yet I hoped. Blood drawn every day. Numbers going up but isn't that always the case in my world? Then one morning lots of blood and tears and anger. We go in for a sonogram and it shows that there is something in the uterus and they rule out another ectopic but they can't rule out another miscarriage yet. My husband and I dare to hope and dare to be happy that it isn't an ectopic. Go back the next day another sonogram and what am I hearing they found something in my left tube? How? It wasn't there yesterday? What is in my uterus? they don't know - possibly a fetus possibly a blood clot. Hysteria sets in and I have to decide. Torture myself with another shot or have another surgery and risk losing my the only tube I have left. Surgery would give me a chance to find out if I have a viable fetus in my uterus. I go with the surgery. I can't kill the slight chance that there is someone growing inside of me. My left tube is now gone as well. Today the news came back that my beta dropped and there is no viable pregnancy in my uterus. Today all my hope is gone. I no longer conceive on my own. My heart is being ripped apart. I sit in the garden I created for my angels and mourn my newest angel. I long to hold him or her and hear their cry. I only hear myself for I have now sent my 6Th angel to heaven.

This song by watermark sums it all up. The name of the song is "Glory Baby" and it was written by a couple who suffered a miscarriage.
"I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like
But I'll rest in knowing that Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know"

DECIDING

The week has been full of tests. An HSG to make sure my left tube was functioning. Blood work - so much so that I stopped counting after the 10th vial. A base line ultra sound. Can you say fun times? I need to know if there is anything wrong with me to explain these losses before I can decide whether to try again. In the past we just got back to trying but this time I almost lost my own life. Everything is different. I don't even know if I have the energy to keep trying. My therapist tells me that I shouldn't decide anything now b/c I have years ahead of me. I don't feel like I have years. It has been years and still nothing. I never wanted my son to be an only child. I don't know what to do but hopefully these tests will give me some of the answers I need to make an informed decision.

Happy Birthday Angels

March is such a sad time for me. Two of my angels would have been born in March. Instead of celebrating I am full of sorrow and grief for what could have been. I will never know as long as I am alive if they were boys or girls. If they were active or quiet. What characters they would have liked as a theme for their special day. Instead of celebrating I sit and wonder all these things and more. The pain will never go away. Part of me thinks I don't want it to go away because it is my way of holding on.

We are planning a lovely garden memorial/quiet place of reflection. We bought a lovely fountain and will plant some pretty flowers, even maybe trees around it. We also have angels to put around it one for each loss. It is a place where I can go and sit peacefully and think about my heartache. See when you miscarry you don't get a grave to go and put flowers on. You don't get to physically mourn the loss. Some even mourn alone as no one else knew they were pregnant. This is my way of creating my own memorial. I hope others find ways to remember their children that were lost too soon.

Is it awful that I couldn't wait for my husband and son to go out today? I just wanted some quiet time with my thoughts. I wanted to lay down without feeling guilty and watch a sad movie. I feel like I am pushing away the ones I love instead of drawing them near. My husband and son are so amazing and yet I just wanted to be alone today.

I recently sent my fifth angel to heaven. This time I was 8 weeks along. Each time I lose another part of myself. I fall in love with my babies instantly and even though I am cautious how can I not hope and dream? This loss was a tough one as I almost lost my own life in the process. Now I scared to go on and try again. Questions of why always pop into my head? Am I an awful mother to my precious son and this is God's way of telling me that? Did I do something horrible to deserve this? I know deep down that I didn't do anything to deserve this but the thoughts pop up anyway. I do believe in Heaven and in God and I do hold on to the belief that one day I will meet my beautiful babies. I wonder if I will know them instantly. I wonder if they will know me. I loved each one for the short time they were with me and continue to love and think about them daily. Were they boys or girls? I will not know while I am on this earth. I once read somewhere that the baby's souls were too good for our earth and that is why God took them. I hold on to that for that has stayed with me and made my days easier. I wish more people were aware of the pain women go through during a miscarriage. I wish people would know not to be so insensitive. I often get asked if we are going to have any more children and I feel like screaming. . . screaming I do have more but you just can not see them. Others who know say at least you have one. yes I know I have one and I am so grateful for that but that doesn't mean I didn't have hopes of more. How about the people that say at least you know you can get pregnant? I know people are trying to be supportive but they don't know that these comments hurt just as much. I don't fault anyone b/c I know the situation is tough. At least they care to say something and not ignore the situation. That is the worst.